New Year's Eve Reflections

2011—one entire year without T.J. on this earth. It is so hard for me to believe. If someone had asked me if I could continue living if something happened to one of my children, I would have said absolutely not! But guess what? Each day the sun continues to rise and set and here I am.

People often say to me, “I don’t know how you do it. If it was me. . .” I’m no stronger than anyone else, I’m just blessed to be able to see past the devastation of losing my son, to what is still here in front of me. Life continues to hold many blessings and my eyes and heart are wide open to see them. As each day starts, I look out my kitchen window and find joy in the beauty in nature. There are usually birds flying about, busy with life and I see T.J.’s energy in their hustle and bustle. I look at the trees T.J. used to climb and can almost see him sitting way up on top. He always climbed higher than anyone else. As the seasons change, I am taken in by the beauty of new buds in the spring, the wealth of color in the summer, the intense beauty of changing leaves in the fall and the stark, clear beauty of trees stripped down to their core.

I relate best to the winter scape as that is when my precious T.J. left this earth and that cold, bare, raw feeling is what I fight against every day. As I teeter on the edge of a new year, I don’t allow myself to look too far ahead. I’m too sad to think too far into another year without T.J., but as I start to plunge into sadness, something, I believe T.J., jolts me back into gratefulness for still being here on this earth knowing I still have work to do. I believe we are put on this earth to learn lessons and to work on our souls growth and development. These lessons are all about learning to give and receive love. It seems a simple task, but it is actually a difficult goal in this crazy world. So as I begin this last day of 2011, I choose love. I strive to give it and receive it every second of this day. Maybe you can do the same.